So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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