Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Of course I have a pirate flag
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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