Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
