the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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