My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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