Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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