Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Actions speak louder than pants.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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