You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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