It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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