I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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