She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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