addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
