she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
