His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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