If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
