So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
