my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize