dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
