Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
