Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
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