Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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