Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
