Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
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