I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize