Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
