to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
