And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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