Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
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