he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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