the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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