hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
