It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
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