I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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