Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
