I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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