upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
