You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
