I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Who put my cat in the fridge?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize