dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
