Ambien. No doubt about it.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
