I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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