Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
