My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
