just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Randomize
