Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
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