He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
i need some magic done to my vagina
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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