im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
