Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
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