Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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