how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize