I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
