nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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