There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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