dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
