Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
