Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Randomize
