I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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