He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
