Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
