My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
