There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize