she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
