Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
