I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I just want to make out with him forever
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
